Dear Daddy
by ekagrey
Summary: I imagine that keeping a secret like having a baby with someone would be extremely difficult; even if you did it for all of the seemingly right reasons. Especially if you loved someone as much as Deacon and Rayna love one another. This story centers around a series of letters that Rayna pens, but never sends, to Deacon from their unborn baby.


Dear Daddy

No claims of ownership of this show or any of these characters. Just a fan playing around with the what if's.

The decision had been made. Deacon was not going to play the role of father in this baby's (his baby 's) life. Rayna looked down at the diamond solitaire on her left hand with a mix of relief and dread. On one hand she was beyond grateful to Teddy for his willingness to love and parent her child despite the fact that it was most likely not his. His proposal was allowing her baby to be safe from scandal and speculation. It would be born with a legitimate last name and be raised by two parents who could offer it the love and stability that all children deserve. No one would question the paternity and Deacon would be safe.

Deacon…that was the other hand and the reason this proposal was so bittersweet. Thinking about not being with him caused Rayna physical pain every single time she tried to imagine it. Even now, with Teddy's ring resting on her finger, it seemed unreal that she would never be able to be with Deacon again. To touch him, to hold him, to kiss him, to fall asleep in his arms…to freely and unabashedly love him, but leaving him appeared to be the only viable option that she had left if she wanted to keep him alive. Any doubts she'd had about that had been dispelled by Coleman a mere few hours ago. His damning words were still floating in the back of her mind, "_Rayna, you're Deacon's worst vice…You enable his behavior…As long as he tries to get sober for you, he is failing to get sober for himself and if he doesn't do it for himself he will never be successful_." He hadn't looked overly surprised when she told him about the baby and like Tandy was quick to tell her that the best thing she could do for all three of them was to move on with Teddy. "_Teddy loves you Rayna. He obviously knows about the possible paternity of this baby and wants to be with you in spite of it. What more could you ask for?_"

What more could she ask for? What the hell more could she ask for? A damn lot. She could ask for Deacon to get sober and stay sober this time. She could ask for everyone in her life to butt out and let her make her own decisions without pressuring her one way or the other. She could even ask to go back in time and rewrite the night that Deacon proposed…but in her heart of hearts she could never truly wish away this baby; her greatest gift from Deacon. Their love made tangible. This child would forever be living, breathing proof of the love that Rayna had for Deacon. And she would love this baby. She already did. It was crazy how just knowing that she had a life inside of her changed her priorities. She had swallowed her pride and made a decision for the sake of someone else rather than herself.

Walking away from Deacon was going to be the hardest thing that Rayna had ever done. She didn't know much about how this whole thing was going to play out, but she knew that. She had no idea how she was going to successfully convince anyone, let alone Deacon, that she had moved on. She ached for him; physically, emotionally, completely. He was truly the other half of her soul. If she gave into her own needs she would run to him, throw her arms around him and celebrate this unexpected miracle. He would be so happy. She could imagine the look of love and awe in his eyes. She could imagine the feel of his kisses, could see him sinking to his knees holding her to him by her hips and kissing her still flat belly. She could imagine him singing and talking to her belly as it grew. Could imagine the feel of his hand squeezing hers as she labored to bring their child into the world. She could see him rocking back in forth in a nursery cradling and crooning to a sweet baby. It was a beautiful dream. But it was going to stay a dream. Rayna felt a sob tear free from her chest. Tears were spilling down her cheeks. He was going to miss it all.

Less than three weeks later Rayna found herself standing in a church in a white gown promising to love and cherish Teddy Conrad all of the days of her life. Two weeks after the wedding Rayna heard her baby's heartbeat for the first time. It was the most beautiful music that she had ever heard. The staccato swooshing filled the room and brought tears to her eyes. Knowing that she was pregnant was one thing, but hearing the proof of it was another thing entirely. She looked away from the monitor to share the moment with Deacon and felt gut-wrenching pain when it was Teddy's loving gaze that met her own. She was able to quickly recover and he was none the wiser, but the pain in her chest lingered. Later that afternoon, after Teddy had gone back to the office, Rayna sat on the edge of her bed, mourning Deacon. It felt unfair that he was missing this. This was his baby and he deserved to be a part of it. She had so much she wanted to tell him, so much she needed to say. Her heart was heavy and her soul was burdened. If she could just get it out…that's when the idea came to her. Rayna got up and walked into her office. She grabbed a pad of paper and composed two letters. One entitled Dear Deacon and signed Rayna and one entitled Dear Daddy and signed Baby.

_Dear Deacon,_

_There is so much I need to say to you. It's hard for me to find the words, but I'm going to try my best. Firstly I need you to know that I love you. You are so much a part of me that I'm not sure where you end and I begin. I don't know who I am without you and I honestly don't want to know. But, you've given me no choice. I'm leaving you to save you. To give you a fighting chance to fight for yourself; to chose to live. I know that you blame yourself for a lot things that have happened in your life. Some of them you had control over and some of them you didn't…you know what I'm talking about…but you need to learn to forgive yourself. That bottle isn't the answer. It's easier said than done, but you are stronger than this my love. I know that you are. I believe that you can do this. _

_I know that when you come home, you are going to doubt my love for you. That's understandable, but know this, there will never be a day that I won't ache for you. There will never be a song that I don't sing with you in mind. There will never be a moment that I don't look at this child and see you. There will never be a time when I don't love you. You have my heart. You have my soul and I don't want it back. I will never regret loving you. You gave me music. You put songs in my heart and gave me something to sing about. You gave me this baby, this sweet, sweet baby. I can't tell you how thankful I am for you. I can't imagine my life without you, but I rather love you from a distance than lay you in the ground. I can't live in a world where you don't exist. _

_That being said I also need you to know how mad I am at you. _(The tears were falling fast and hard and Rayna had to take a moment before she could clearly see the paper again. Tear stains diluted the ink on the page making some of the words run together). _I am so mad that you're not here with me. That you couldn't stay clean. That you proposed to me and made love to me and didn't even remember. You have no idea that we made this baby…I'm mad that I'm not enough for you. I was there. I was right there. I was willing to fight these demons with you if you'd just let me. I know that alcoholism is a disease and you would not choose this for yourself. It's beyond your control at this point, but damn it Deacon. Damn it. We had a future. We're having a baby and you're missing it. You're going to miss everything and I'm so mad that I can't bet on you and know that I would win. I can't take a risk with this child. He or she deserves better. Not better than you. Don't you ever think that for one second I doubt that you would be an amazing father. I am confident in that. You would love this baby, but I can't trust that you will stay sober. I can't trust you and that makes me so mad. Do you know how hard this is for me? I can't even enjoy this pregnancy because I am missing you so much. I mad that I'm another man's wife. I don't love him like he deserves. He knows that…why he wants me is still a mystery. I reach for you in the middle of the night and you're not there. He is…I hate that I don't want him to touch me; that it's hard for me to look at him. I hate that I'm doing a good job faking happiness. More than anything Deacon I hate that I'm going to have to lie to you for the rest of my life. That I am going to have to look my child in the face every day and lie. Deacon I am furious. _

_I'm not sure what my life is going to be like from here on out. I'm not sure how we're going to work together, if that's even an option. I'm not sure about anything. I'm determined to make the best possible life for our child. You have my heart, but I am going to devote the rest of my love and attention to our child. It will be my way of loving you. I will always love you. Goodbye my love. _

_Yours,_

_Rayna_

She sat aside the completed letter and picked up a clean piece of paper.

_Dear Daddy,_

_Today Mommy my heart beat for the first time. Today was a big day of firsts because it was also the first time that I became more than just an idea floating around in her head. It's one thing to see pink lines on a stick; it's a whole other thing to hear a heart beat. I'm really real. No more denying, no more questioning. She can't feel me move yet. The doctor says that I am just the size of a raspberry, but am right on track for an eight-week-old baby. Right now all of my major organs are starting to form; crazy how all of that can be happening in something so small. You want to know something else really cool? I already have fingerprints and I can move my arms. Even with all of that going on Mommy can still keep me a secret for now…but not for long. I am going to be doing a lot of growing in the next couple months and soon people will see that Mommy isn't just packing on the pounds. Right now Mommy is tired a lot, sometimes she gets sick in the mornings, but she's still working. She's finishing that new album you were working on and is even planning on going out on a small promotional tour. The doctor said it is fine so I get to hear music all the time. Mommy still sings your songs and feels close to you when she does. I hope I get to meet you one day…maybe hear you play a song on your guitar. Maybe one day I'll learn how to play a guitar too. Maybe you can show me…I guess that depends on a lot of things. Right now I'm going to focus on growing strong and healthy. I hope you get healthy too._

_Love,_

_Baby_

Rayna put the pen down and stared at the two letters resting in her lap. She couldn't believe how just the simple act of putting her feelings to words on a piece of paper made her feel better. Some of the tightness in her chest was gone. The ache was still there, but it wasn't quite as overwhelming as it had been. She could think around it. Deacon would never read these; no one would lay eyes on them except for Rayna, but the act of writing them made her feel like she was sharing the experience of her pregnancy and the wonder of the baby with him. That afternoon Rayna decided that every few weeks, at least every month she would write a "dear daddy" letter documenting the changes in her pregnancy…heck she might even continue them after the baby was born. She would hide these letters, along with her letter to Deacon somewhere safe. It would be her personal testimony to their love. As much as Teddy and Tandy and Coleman wanted her to, she couldn't forget that Deacon was this baby's father. She couldn't overlook it and she wouldn't. She would celebrate it. It would help her heal; help her be strong for this baby. No one would know. No harm would be done.

Until she could get a small safe or something to put the letters in, she hid them in a hatbox in the back of her closet. As she walked out of the bedroom, she heard Teddy coming through the front door. "Hey babe. How is my wife this lovely evening? I can't believe we got to hear the baby's heartbeat today. It was so surreal." He kissed her and she followed him into the kitchen more at peace than she had been in weeks.

TBC

I hope you all enjoyed this. I thought it would be a cool idea and way for Rayna to reconcile or at least try to deal with the fact that she was knowingly keeping her child away from it's father. I know that in the show they said they didn't know who the dad was until after Maddie was boen, but it seems like everyone had a pretty good idea. Let me know if there is any interest in continuing with this. Each chapter will have a letter and will fill in some more backstory. I'm thinking of writing either from Deacon's perspective detailing his reaction to Rayna's pregnancy when he gets back or telling it from Rayna's POV. Also going to touch on them trying to work together. In my head it seems pretty cool.


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